Remember that time in Rome...

Good afternoon and apologies for my lack of blogs recently not only have I been engrossed in the football and been on holiday to Italy but my life is not that exciting for me to always have something to write about!

Anyway, today I wish to discuss something, or should I say show you a few things that I do on holiday or trips. Think of it as a collection. Some people collect fridge magnets, well I tend to collect pictures with street entertainers!

Here are a few I made earlier...

In Covent Garden, London with some wizard guy

 Gran Canaria with this out of place cowboy

Sydney with an orange man

Also Sydney with this funky Aborigine

As you can see from the photos I have selected above it is all pretty harmless. I have my photo taken and then I'll drop about a Pound, Dollar, Euro which ever currency I'm using into the box. I'm happy and they are happy and I'm sure they will make good money if they have suckers like me coming up every five minutes!

Then one time in Rome I met this man....

He looks like a nice guy. He decided to make me a bit more womanly so he had obviously been reading my mind!

Me and him were getting on great

I even show him some brotherly love

He clearly likes to have his photo taken

He even dragged the wife up!

You see a picture may tell one story but not necessarily the whole story, as during this whole experience the man was slightly CRAZY! I just wanted one picture taken, but no he wanted several, wanted to dress me like a woman and then demand that my wife had to have her picture taken! The whole time we were trying to get away but with his magic Roman powers he made us stay against our wills!

Then it came to payment, as mentioned earlier I only ever give these people small change. As I was in Italy in this instance it was going to be a Euro. The first mistake I made was to get my change out of my pocket. I had to get the whole lot out as I couldn't decipher one coin from another!

The man must of thought it was Christmas as soon as he saw my fortune he demanded 5 Euros!

I thought no way! I gave him my Euro and he moved his hand out of the way so it fell onto the floor and he repeated 5 Euros. I said to him no but by this point he was really angry and from being brothers a few minutes earlier I could see we were now life long enemies!

I wasn't going to give in and neither was he. So what does a man in this situation do? That's right he runs away and leaves his wife to sort the situation out.

I of course look behind but he is still shouting at me angrily with that look of rage like I had just jumped all over his parents grave!

My wife being the hero she is, picked up the Euro and gave it to the poor man and then ran away too!

C ya later!

The Royal Family - Just A Bunch Of Freeloaders

This weekend has been The Queens Diamond Jubilee to celebrate 60 years on the throne and the dear old lady has kindly given us an extra two days onto our weekend. Thanks Liz I do appreciate it but to be honest I don't really care about you all that much and I'm going to try and explain why.
To me, the Royal Family members have struck it lucky, they have been born into a family of wealth and status and we are told to love them and that they are fantastic. That is really my problem, they are born into a life of privilege and have a head start and advantage over everyone else. I do realise some families are going to have more money that others but The Royal Family have hardly worked hard for years to build up a company or climb up the greasy ladder in the business world. Liz just like Charlie, Wills and Harry were born into this and the cycle will continue. They get the best food, health care and education. They can't really screw up and if they do it doesn't matter because they are minted.

When ever I moan about The Royal Family, people always say William and Harry do work for a living. I can't argue with that but to me its just PR, its just an exercise to prove that they are normal so The Royal Family can continue to exist in the way it does so they can be in touch with the common man and woman. How many helicopter pilots does the average Joe know? They get these fantastic jobs because they were born into some lucky royal lineage so they had way more opportunities than the rest of us. Why don't they give up their entitlements they earned through hereditary birth right and just be normal if that is what they want to do?

I also realise the Royals do do a lot of good. I can't knock The Princes Trust or the charity work they do and I'm sure they are all generally normal people . I really don't think its fair that we live in a world where a select few get a plush life, just because of a hereditary line that entitles them to a life of wonderful opportunity while normal folk have to earn it rather than be given it all on a silver platter.

So should we get rid of them? To be honest its not just down to me, I do believe in democracy so the nation should have a vote if we were ever given the chance but if we were to be given the vote I would certainly vote to abolish them and have them all sent to a council estate where they could really appreciate the common person!

I hope I have explained my self, I'm sure I have missed many points if you were to ask me in person I could probably go on a lot more about this but ill let you enjoy your evening!

C ya later!

Do your shopping and get the f**k out of my shop - The Aldi experience!

My life must be pretty boring as I'm resulting to having to write about a supermarket but at the end of the day we all have to shop at them, food is kind of necessary.

I used to be a bit of a snob and would never go into Aldi. They don't do brands, they do cheap rip offs and surely the quality can't be as good as Heinz and co. At the end of the day it will come down to personal opinion but to me it doesn't taste any different to the main brands.

So the big great Aldi experience then. Well for a start its not like Waitrose, where here they don't serve the next customer until you are done, the staff are also presented smartly and professionally. It's also certainly not like Tesco where you get to see a badge of how long Sheila has worked there for! No its not like either of these at all, it's basically a competition to go in and find the food hidden amongst the cardboard packaging. Aldi to me don't seem to believe in store presentation, it seems like they want you to go in and search for the items. Don't let this put you off though - if you see an empty box on the shelf just fling it out the way and you will usually find more hidden food behind!

Take for example, Saturday just gone. I was getting my orange juice and was having to dice with death as the juice I wanted was hidden under 4 layers of blackcurrant juice. It was basically a game of Jenga and I was hoping I wouldn't meet my maker by blackcurrant juice. Obviously I lived but I'm not sure the next person would have been so lucky.

Once you have survived all this you get to the checkout. Other supermarket cashiers are sedate they take their time. Not Aldi. Once your trolley is parked up, the checkout lady starts scanning straight away, she literally scans the items at the speed of light (if not faster) and plonks them at the end in the tiniest space ever! You are then faced with a race, you have to throw everything into the trolley or else you run out of room. I sometimes chuckle to myself that the nice checkout lady will push the food off to teach us a lesson for being too slow. Or maybe too old in some peoples' case.

It gets better. You must have realised everything is not packed, Aldi like you to bring your own bags, or they charge you the pricey sum of 3p for a new bag. You then have to go to a packing area and unpack your trolley to put all your food into the appropriate carrier bag with a 100 other people. You have no room, all the food is over the place and you cant find the matching things to put into the right bag! Frustrating!

So why do I go to Aldi? Its a frustrating experience, they don't like you to overstay your welcome and its dangerous. However, it's cheap and you save a lot of money over branded items especially when you have better things to spend money on like upcoming holidays!

C ya later!

Clubbing? No thanks I would rather have a cuppa than go to the dungeon of noise

Good evening! It's been a couple of weeks people, sorry for the lack of posting but I'm back!

I had the pleasure this past weekend of attending a club night in the local town where I live. A few beers, maybe a dance and catch up with some friends. It sounded a good idea but really it wasn't in hindsight and all I wanted to do once I stepped through the door was either to be sat in a quiet pub or at home watching the last two episodes of The Bridge on BBC 4.

I'm 28, its not exactly old but clubbing, bars and generally noisy places are not for me. They are generally for those who are in their late teens to early 20's and just want to enjoy themselves before settling down.

Anyway at this fantastic club night, half the people in there I could swear were under 18. Maybe I just can't tell peoples' ages so well but I'm sure I didn't look that baby faced 10 years ago. Maybe I did. I'll have to check some old photos and see but I did feel out of place. Maybe it was because I wasn't battered.

I'm going to list the reasons I don't like night clubs/bars so much these days. The very reasons that came flooding back to me on Saturday night!

1) Without sounding old but it's too bloody LOUD! I can't hear a single word people say to me, I'm sat or stood there with friends and if I want to talk to someone I have to talk directly into their ear or shout at them! Come on it's ridiculous, it's not normal or sane behaviour to be doing this! I saw some friends who I didn't even get to talk to. I mean what is the point if they can't hear me!!!

2) Its fake! Night clubs are fake, or should I say the people are fake. The blokes all walk around with an attitude trying to be cool and macho. I have even seen some people wear sunglasses in a nightclub! I mean come on, it's dark you don't need them! If you want to get laid why don't you try talking?

3) Expensive! They usually charge you about £5 plus to get in, then the drinks on top are expensive! It's a complete rip off and they can then charge what ever they want once you're inside! You are literally trapped, you can't leave because you have paid a stupid entrance fee and to leave would mean spending even more to repeat this cycle!

4) People dance like idiots! I have seen it loads of times, you get a few beers down you and you start to dance like an idiot, acting like the man or the biggest slut going. Blokes will often try and grind women from behind and they have not even made eye contact! I mean if I were to do that in a supermarket because I liked the look of someone I'm sure the police would be involved. Why is this any different?

5) The man in the toilet! Come on, why do they need a man offering soaps, aftershave and deodorants when I go to the toilet? All this encourages me to do is pee and run! Not at the same time of course but I then don't wash my hands as I don't want to pay a couple of quid for the pleasure, as all the washing facilities have been removed!

I'm sure you all get my point, we are supposed to think night clubs are cool, if you don't, then you are instantly some kind of weirdo who doesn't want to have sex. That's ridiculous as there are 100's of ways to meet members of the opposite sex without having to go to one of these dungeons of noise, drink too much alcohol then get someone pregnant as no rubber was a good idea at the time! Plus you will wake up and look across the bed and think WTF have I done!

So that concludes my dissatisfaction with clubs, if you see me in one, please slap me.

C ya later!

5 a day, 3 times a week and 21 units a week

Trying to lead a healthy well balanced life style to me is a challenge. Everywhere you go you are faced with Mcdonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut. All delicious but not very good for you and so very very very tempting. Then when you do go to a place where there is a healthy option, it is often way more expensive and a bit half hearted and usually limited if you ask me. You don't go to Mcdonalds and have the salad and if you do have the salad its still likely to be covered in salt!

Last week when I was in Sheffield my mate and I went to the Wetherspoons and looking through the menu some of the meals on the menu had over 100% fat in them of your daily GDA. Even the healthy stuff had 50% of your daily recommended amount in one meal! And some even had 150% of your daily allowance! I'm sure the majority of us try to eat right but these companies don't make it easy.

Lets take my local town Whittlesey as an example of the fast food epidemic, from the top of my head we have two fish and chip shops, one Indian, 5 Chinese takeaways, one Mexican and 6 pizza/burger/general places so that makes 14 takeaway establishments for a population roughly of 15,000. Isn't that a lot for a small population? What does that say for Whittlesey? Are all towns like this these days?

A big bug bear of mine is fast food sponsoring sporting events! Yes I'm looking at you Mcdonalds, Coca Cola and Cadburys! They all sponsor either the football world cup or the Olympics! Come on what is that all about? Have a Big Mac and then you can do the 100 metres, just like Usain Bolt? It's ridiculous and pointless! Obviously they sponsor these events because they can afford the huge fees to associate their brand with a world event but don't these sporting bodies have a duty of care to say 'Yo Ronald get your Big Mac away from the Olympics' Wouldn't Shredded Wheat and Granny Smiths Apples be a better partner? Not as glamorous but it would provide a more consistent message. I mean just thinking off the top of my head couldn't the government stop junk food advertising? They are constantly hammering tobacco companies so I'm sure they could target these kind of things as well. Obesity is becoming a bigger and bigger problem right and no wonder it's an issue with all these fast food places and mixed messages from these sporting events!

Alcohol consumption is a big issue as well, young people today don't go out to enjoy a pint, they want to get s**t faced and w******d. I'm no angel and I used to get involved in that every weekend but I don't remember getting any education at school about safe drinking and the ways it can harm you. It wasn't until about 5 years ago when it became an issue with the media I started to understand about units and the potential dangers of exceeding the recommended weekly allowance.

I'm not really sure if I have explained what I wanted to or got my point across, thanks for reading none the less!

C ya later!

The Football Association - Screwing Up English Football Since 1863

Tonight I'm going to ramble on about my love for England. Yes for some crazy reason I love our football team, don't ask me why because they are all a bunch of overpaid prances who like to disappoint and let us all down over and over again but I have not missed an England match since Euro 1996. Its annoying supporting your country and to be honest you should never be shocked or surprised in the spectacular ways they let you down but I was born English so that's who I will support for all my sins. It could be worst I could have been born Scottish.

In 43 days time Euro 2012 kicks off. Will England win it? Not a chance. Anything is possible in football. Greece won Euro 2002 against all the odds, Liverpool won the Champions League against all the odds and Chelsea got to the final of the Champions League last night again against all the odds. Will England win the Euros against all the odds? Not a chance in hell!

The FA have done a lot of stupid things down the years. They have only just started to sort out youth development which has led to us falling so far behind the other nations, we are 10-20 years behind the best countries. They put Capello on a four year contract and when they want to sack him they can't as it will cost too much (did they never learn after what happened with Sven) money! Also back in the 70's they refused to appoint Brian Clough when he was at his peak as he was too controversial for The Fa.

Euro 2012 tournament kicks off in 43 days and England don't have a manager, Fabio and FA parted company in February and over two months later we still don't have a replacement. I mean what are these fools playing at? The common reasoning seems to be that we should write this tournament off and concentrate on Brazil 2014. That is ridiculous in itself. First you need to qualify and that is never guaranteed  with England and two when it gets closer to the time there is bound to be a scandal in the media ready to undermine us or a metatarsal or two . You should always go into every match/tournament wanting to win and do your best. I mean who wants to be second best? I don't.

The English FA really are the biggest bunch of collective idiots to have ever existed. Why have they not approached Redknapp, Hodgson, Pearce, Hoddle or Venables etc etc etc (I'm going English as that's what I'm guessing the manager is likely to be) are they scared of upsetting the clubs? Ruining their season? Do they care? There's some managers above who I don't want near the job at all but The Fa need to sort this out. They need to name their man, start talks with the said man/club and work things out. We need to plan and get ready for the tournament. Give it a go and do our best. A lot of fans will spend a lot of money going to Pokraine and they don't need another let down like South Africa.

To me if the FA was a person it would be some rich toff lord of the manor Pratt, someone who wants to do everything proper and never upset anyone by always following protocol. Do you know what I think? Who gives a damn. The day after Capello resigned the FA board should have drawn up a short list and then approached the people interested, interview them and offer it to the appropriate person so the planning could be begin. Who cares if they upset Daniel Levy or any other club chairman. To me country comes first and we should be doing our best to do our best and that is The FA job isn't it? Not to undermine us.

All in all, come the tournament when we all have our flags on cars, I'll be in the pub for the first game with my pint, in my England shirt singing god save the queen just hoping and praying The FA don't stop us doing a Greece.

C ya later!

Never ever anger a cold caller

Not so long ago I made an enemy, a guy from a call centre where they call you and ask a few questions about a survey they are doing. I don't like these calls, I have signed up to the telephone preference service but a few calls still get through. When they do come through I tell them to remove us off the list but they always call back. Its annoying.

Anyway this is where my new tactic came in, I took some inspiration from my sister in law who told a cold caller that her Dad had left them when they asked to speak to him and I decided the next time I got one of those calls I would just simply waste their time! And that is what I did, everytime someone called I would simply say the most ridiculous thing I could until they hung up on me it. It was a fun game as it was only wasting their time!

Eventually I annoyed the wrong person and this how it went down, a man calls up and asks to speak to the homeowner I step in and say yes this is me and he asks if I'll take part in a survey on energy consumption.

Him - 'Who supplies your Gas'

Me - 'Ukranian Gas'

He fills answer in on his computer he has obviously bought my well thought out lie.

Him - 'Who supplies your Electricity'

Me - 'African Electricity'

He again writes the answer into his computer clearly I can say what I want..I think!

Him - 'How do you pay for your energy'

Me - 'Monopoly Money'

Him - 'No no no direct debit, pre-payment, etc etc etc'

Me - 'No I buy Monopoly games and use the money included'

He then has the cheek to have a go at me! He realises all my answers have been lies and he clearly feels a bit stupid and he tells me exactly what he thinks and in his attempt to teach me a lesson he says 'do you want to buy some condoms' As my Mrs testifies apparently my face turned red with anger at this point, I was caught by surprise and didn't know what to say or do so just hung up. Yes I had wound the man up but he got his revenge, or had he...

Over the next one to two weeks he called us most nights, some times the wife answered he would say something stupid and hang up, he would breath down the phone in a creepy manner (guess that's the only way) and if we had the cheek to hang up straight away they would call again!

As you can guess it was annoying but I had clearly annoyed him and he was on some kind of crusade. It was at this point I decided I would no longer wind up cold callers and would just hang up straight away. The calls did stop. Either the guy got fired or he found someone else to wind up. Hopefully its the former.

So that concludes the story of the time I wound up a cold caller, I like to think my lesson has been learned but I'm sure I'll do it again one day!

C ya later!